07 June 2013

This 'n' That

So, a few weeks ago I was at the store and I needed paper towels. Unfortunately, they were all out of the plain, white Select-a-Size that I favor, and I begrudgingly found myself purchasing two rolls of printed paper towels. You know, the kind with frilly flowers along the edges? Yeah. . .

Photo: Amazon.com
Anyway, after I opened up one of the rolls I made an unexpected discovery—so long as I had these paper towels in my house, I would never have to worry about Bible devotions again. I mean, why read about sin and righteousness when I have the paper towel version of Joel Osteen in my kitchen? You see, this particular roll of paper towels is not only decorated with printed potted flowers, it also shares little soundbites of nauseating, feel-good, gobbledygook. Here are just a few of these daily thoughts from Bounty:

No two days are the same in one garden. No two gardens are the same. (Oh yeah, I'm inspired.)

You can bury a lot of troubles digging in the dirt. (Does anyone else feel a lame sermon illustration coming on?)

Gardening is a way of showing you believe in tomorrow. (Uh. . . okay.)

Friends are flowers in a life's garden. (Wow, I feel like all we need is one of Osteen's clever anecdotes to wrap up this one).

The flowers of all tomorrows are the seeds of today. (Golly, that's so profound.)

So there you have it, Paper Towel Proverbs. I'm thinking of coming up with some of my own, making them sound a little more Christian-y, printing crosses on the paper towels and then selling them to our favorite neighborhood "Christian" stores. "Jesus junk" seems to sell pretty well in those places, so I think I may be onto something.

Feel free to send me some of your own Paper Towel Proverbs, but not before you first enjoy your week in review (kind of):
  • Did you know that today is the most wonderful day of the year? That's right, it's National Doughnut Day!
  • I don't have a speaking schedule posted here on the website, but if anyone would like to offer me $500k to give a 45-minute speech, I'd be happy to pencil in your event.
  • File this under "Oldie but Goodie": In a 2010 post, Chris Rosebrough reflects on the Purpose-Driven definition of a "Christ Follower."
  • James MacDonald's Walk in the Word is at a "critical" end-of-fiscal-year time and they need your money. If I remember correctly, they also desperately needed my money at the end of the calendar year. Ah, well, so long as I get a "free" book for my megadollar donation, it's all worth it, right?
  • Speaking of MacDonald, here's a new item illustrating the "culture of fear" that some claim exists at Harvest Bible Chapel. At least they didn't use a catapult.
  • This is a fascinating article wherein young atheists were interviewed and questioned about their unbelief. They make some important observations about today's so-called Christianity.
  • This gives a whole new meaning to the idea of a prom queen.
  • While we have his ears burning, let me just say that I'm so glad that Steve Lawson is now on Twitter. It means there are convicting gems like this in my Twitter feed daily.
  • Everyone is praising churches for cutting ties to the Boy Scouts, but I have to wonder, should there have been ties there to cut in the first place?
  • It's baseball season, and few things are funnier than big, bad baseball players terrified by thunder.
  • Do Christians make the Bible an idol?
  • Man's problem is that God is good:


  1. "Everyone is praising churches for cutting ties to the Boy Scouts, but I have to wonder, should there have been ties there to cut in the first place".

    I said the same thing to someone who was saying this was a problem with the church, casting out gay kids. The problem is that church was put in a situation to begin with. It would be like if I (a man) went into to a strip club to "minister" (or allow a brothel at my house). At worst, I fall prey to sin and commit adultery. At Best, people "think" I'm a sexual deviant. Neither are good options. Same is true when we "get in bed" with the World.

  2. A doughnut is like a righteously lived life…it is Holey.


    What does a frosted, sprinkled, extra-large doughnut and James MacDonald’s teaching have in common?

    Neither is good for you. But one doesn’t shout.


  3. "If we've become a trusted source of spiritual nourishment, sow back into the field you have harvested from."

    Walk in the Word

    MacDonald and his team learned pretty well about "sowing seeds of faith" from his hysterical and also screaming buddy modalist shaman of religious scheme TD Jakes. Mega Krima Mr.MacDonald


  4. I'm curious as to why you consider Tebow a "Christian" and not a Christian. Care to explain?

    1. Apologies that the (mis)placement of my original quotes led to misunderstanding. Hopefully my point is more obvious after fixing this. In answer to your question, then, I say "Christian celebrity" because of the danger of placing the latest gimmick up on a pedestal.

  5. "I don't have a speaking schedule posted here on the website, but if anyone would like to offer me $500k to give a 45-minute speech, I'd be happy to pencil in your event." Could you pay your own travel expenses? This would make things a little tight. ;) ~Becky

    1. Becky, if you're paying me 500k for 45 minutes of talking, I'd be more than happy to arrange my own travel. :-)

  6. As an avid reader of your blog it sadden me to see you call the Coke bash "brutally honest". It actually has no scientific merits and is clearly a biased attack. If we are ignorant to true science, accept and pass on propaganda like this, how can we fight against other junk science - like evolution? I do love your this and that's, but this was a let down.

    1. Well the next time I hear Coca Cola come up in an evolution debate, I'll remember this. Although, as Christians, shouldn't our first foundation for combatting things like evolution be the Word of God? Something to ponder...

      So let me understand: this "propaganda"—which received little visibility beyond a few FB shares as far as I know—is offensive to you. Now, look around and see how much pro-Coca Cola propaganda exists. That doesn't bother you?

      It really is of no consequence to me if people want to swallow down empty calories and chemicals, but here's my deal: I have seen the detrimental effects of long-term soda consumption on a person, and the damage is far more than mere obesity. I don't think we have any comprehension of what we're pouring into our bodies when we consume garbage like that. I appreciate that you are an avid reader and I'm sorry that you felt this one obscure link was a "let down," but I disagree with your observations.

    2. Maybe they can switch to doughnuts?

  7. "I LOL'd."

    I laughed---til I was in tears -Thanks for sharing EBenz. Clean and funny comedy for all time and all people. Tim Conway was one of the best comedians ever.

    1. Well, I can't take credit for finding it. It was sent to me and it was too funny not to share!

  8. Your Joel Osteen paper towel wisdom was the funniest thing I’ve seen since John Piper’s Christian Hedonist Bathroom Tissue


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