28 December 2012

This 'n' That

Well, it's no secret that it's been quiet around here. That's because we here at Escalator Church have been busy making this the most sensational Christmas season EVER. And I am so PUMPED to be able to give you an update on what we, I mean God, is doing!

As you know, we audaciously decided not to have services on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. We knew that you'd be too preoccupied with your new iPad to want to bother coming to a worship experience. That's why we began our Christmas services on 10 December, and ran them through 23 December. In all, we held 4,787 Christmas worship experiences and saw 1,109,035 people give their lives to Jesus! But then, how could they refuse? After all, this year at Escalator Church, we took Christmas to a whole 'nutha level—a level not even reachable by private jet!

That's right, if you missed the experience (and if you did, you better make sure you're up to date on your tithe before God's curses rain down on you), then you missed a retelling of the nativity story never before seen. Thanks to the brilliance of Pastor Bobby, who was voted in last August by tithing members, our rendition of the Christmas story was so far off the hook, you couldn't even see the hook (if you know what I mean)!

How many megachurches hired a Charlton Heston impersonator to retell the Christmas story? Answer: one, and it was us. And we didn't stop there. Mary rode in on a jet-propelled donkey because, let's face it, that's way more fun than the old way. And those wise men? They didn't just stroll down the aisle. Oh no, they danced in, Gangnam style! Take that, audacious Charlotte boy! As for the angels, well, they may have sung, 'Glory to God in the highest,' but they did so to the tune of 'Call Me Maybe.' There's no point in being coy, the truth is that the unchurched people in the audience loved it.

For the big finale, we reenacted that famous scene of Santa Claus kneeling beside the Christ child. We didn't linger there, though. It wasn't long before Santa jumped up to distribute gifts, while 50 elves repelled from the ceiling singing 'Santa Claus Is Coming to Town.'

What did I tell you? A whole 'nutha level never before attained by a megachurch. We truly did create a move of God, and we're not done yet. Stay tuned in the new year. I hate to give anything away, but rumor has it that we've booked the Holy Spirit for an upcoming Red Alert Revival. You won't want to miss it.

Okay, okay. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept of Escalator Church, before you get yourself in a tizzy, please see hereherehere and here. Oh, and here and here. As for the rest of you, sit back and enjoy your week in review (kind of):
  • Imprisoned cult leader Warren Jeffs said the world would end this past Sunday. Well, you can't win 'em all I guess.
  • Some days you just don't want to work out, but you know you should. Thankfully, there are a couple of things that can make an unwanted morning run bearable, and one of those is listening to a good sermon. This morning I enjoyed learning about "The Christmas Hymn You Must Sing."
  • Speaking of reading plans, if you've purchased A Puritan Theology and are a bit overwhelmed by it, here's a suggested plan of reading through that body of work.
  • This Baptist church seems to be pretty excited that there supposedly is an image of Jesus on their door. You know, I once saw what looked like an image of a reindeer on a door at the veterinarian's office, and I never once felt compelled to alert the media.
  • A new Chinese law requires adult children to visit their parents. Because nothing says love like forced visitation.
  • Some archaeologist says Jesus was born in a different Bethlehem. I'm not sure if he realizes that he's not the first one to make this ridiculous claim.
  • The question of God's gender has "sparked a row" in the German government.
  • Surely you heard about the depraved actions of a man in New York, who set a fire simply in order to lure firefighters there to murder them. Apparently he left a note stating that he wanted to do "what I like doing best, killing people." Utter depravity.
  • Christianity is "close to extinction" in the Middle East. The same study that declares this also says that "Christians suffer greater hostility across the world than any other religious group." No kidding. Welcome to reality.
  • Listen to what are believed to be the first recordings available of one family celebrating Christmas Day. These are 110 years old!
  • Don Green preaches through 1 John 2:19–21 about when 'Christians' walk away:
"Escalator" photo credit: Wunkai via photopin cc


  1. That does break my heart with the dogs. Sometimes Animals show more compassion and love than human beings do. Such loyalty.

    ~I'll never forget several years ago, I saw this bird bandying from the power line to the road in our neighborhood to something in the road. As I got a bit closer, I noticed the bird was flying to a dead bird in the road. I sat there from a distance watching and for several seconds the bird would stand there hovering over in a solicitous manor and then fly back up again. He'd come down -hover over searching with eagerness over the dead bird for several seconds and then fly back up.

    It was just so sad and I had tears fill my eyes. It was like he was saying with his actions- get up and fly with me like you always have. Why are you still laying there??. It Just broke my heart.

  2. Dear Ms. Ebenz,
    Your Escalator Church does sound jolly good relevant and audacious yet I read no mention of a weight loss plan. Hopefully this was just a gross oversight on your part.

  3. Thanks for the two liner from Spurgeon. Would that those who fancy themselves to be "reformed" would realize what an insidious, creeping monster Arminianism really is. It is the classic "other gospel" Paul spoke of in Gal.1. Not one iota of it is based on Scripture.

  4. Thanks for posting these videos of Pastor Don Green. I had never heard of him. What a great preacher! We need more like him.

    Happy New Year!


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