15 November 2009

You, You, and More You!

I subscribe to Joel Osteen's podcast. Don't ask me why. Whatever the reason, it's probably the same one that drives me to follow my favorite heretics on Twitter. There's nothing more fulfilling than beating your head against the wall out of pure frustration!

I think I initially subscribed to Osteen's oh-so-uplifting messages in the hopes that I would one day sit down and, sentence by sentence, refute his sick and twisted "gospel" message. I'm not sure why I haven't gotten around to that yet, but it probably has something to do with the fact that I can't listen to Osteen for more than five minutes before I'm screaming at my TV or computer in utter exasperation! Anyway, I took a glance today to see what I've been missing and I wanted to share some of the ear-tickling titles of his most recent sermons. You'll notice that they seem to have a common theme: YOU.
  • October 29, 2009 - "Your Destiny Supersedes Your Mistakes" (I have to admit, this is intriguing. Will Osteen teach about our "destiny" as forgiveness in Jesus Christ through grace, faith, and the repentance of sins? Or will he teach me about the other destiny that he likes to talk about: the one where God apparently wants us all to be rich and famous?)
  • October 21, 2009 - "God's Hand is Outstretched Toward You" (Oooh, I wonder what He's going to give me?)
  • October 15, 2009 - "Increasing Your Capacity to Receive" (Gimme, Gimme, Gimme!)
  • October 8, 2009 - You Are Blessed and Cannot Be Cursed" (You are blessed. Just because you're poor and unemployed doesn't mean that you won't soon be rich! Speak it, pray it, command God to give you money! Sadly, those thoughts aren't a stretch from what Osteen teaches each week.)
  • October 1, 2009 - "Being Pruned So You Can Bloom" (Another one that may have potential promise, perhaps speaking of the sanctification process after we hear and receive the free gift of grace and forgiveness from our crucified and risen Savior? Or do I need to "prune" my negative thoughts away so I can be ready for all those material blessings that God promises me in the Bible? Of course, I have yet to find those verses that promise material wealth, health, and prosperity. I guess I need to go out and buy Joel's version.)
  • September 24, 2009 - "Programming Your Mind for Victory" (Huh?)
  • September 3, 2009 - "Believing for a Supernatural Year" (I may have seen this one on TV late one night. Joel taught me that God wants to make me rich this year. I'm still waiting. He's only got a few weeks left...)
  • August 20, 2009 - "You Have Inside Information" (Uh-oh, this isn't going to be like insider trading and land me in jail, is it?)
I may have to listen to this past week's message, "Silencing the Voice of the Accuser." Were I a betting person, I'd wager that Pastor Osteen will teach me how to quiet that voice that tells me that my wealth and prosperity is never really going to arrive.

I'm surprised that Osteen hasn't yet developed his own monetary version of Benny Hinn's "bodies hit the floor" method. I guess he's still figuring out a way for money to appear out of thin air. Give him time.

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